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[29 Jul 2006|04:18pm] |
Bones, sinking like stones,
All that we fought for,
Homes, places we've grown,
All of us are done for.
And we live in a beautiful world,
Yeah we do, yeah we do,
We live in a beautiful world,
Bones, sinking like stones,
All that we fought for,
And homes, places we've grown,
All of us are done for.
And we live in a beautiful world,
Yeah we do, yeah we do,
We live in a beautiful world.
And we live in a beautiful world,
Yeah we do, yeah we do,
We live in a beautiful world.
Oh, all that I know,
There's nothing here to run from,
Cause, yeah, everybody here's got somebody to lean on.
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[15 Jun 2006|02:12am] |
i said i wasn't going to update, and i'm not, but holy fucking shit.
sirk.
i don't think anyone's ever hooked me in in that...wow.
and now i'm the shy one.
i'mnever the shy one.
my fingers are smoking.
what if god smoked cann-a-bissss
hahaha
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[13 Jun 2006|12:39pm] |
i'm deleting this journal.
ok, i'm just never updating it again, and making a new...private or friends only one.
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[12 Jun 2006|11:17pm] |
Life is beautiful, no doubt.
I guess I'm just pissed off at myself.
It's like, now my own family doesn't even see me when I'm not completely fucked outta my mind.
So, nothing's bad, because everything is, indeed beautiful.
I have my friends back, my life...
Knowing I don't have to be worried about jealousy and fights.
Because I wasted too much time trying not to piss people off.
I still laugh though.
Because a lot of people think they're getting away with murder,
and that no one knows,
BUT everyone thinks that, and no one cares.
I really want to post pictures from this weekend,
because they're hella funny.
But I'm lazy.
Tomorrow is going to make me throw up.
I can't face my fears.
And this is the self-reflection that hits me.
"I could do it if I was under some sort of influence..."
That's where I sold myself short.
But this isn't for your enjoyment.
Knowing that I'm fucking up.
Because I never fucked anything up in the reality of it all.
I just keep slipping, mentally.
SpaceCase.
I just don't wanna be lost completely,
like the 60 year old headie dude you might have seen...
who tripped balls everyday,
and doesn't even remember.
Because I already don't remember.
Acid.
Anyway, tomorrow, I find out a lot of things.
I just hope I'm not pregnant and don't have AIDS.
Inless I have an AIDS baby.
That'd be cool.
Of course it's impossible,
but I worry too much.
And I don't want to know the truth sometimes.
It's better left alone.
Ok, everyone's making jokes about ryan and i.
i'm done with relationships.
clearing it up.
we have fun, chill out, assholes!!!
:]
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[12 Jun 2006|05:41pm] |
I'm fucking up again.
Big time, AGAIN.
I can't miss anymore days of school,
but I'm not there.
I told myself I'd never get addicted to anything.
Because it's all a mind thing.
Well, my mind is weak these days.
I'm not going to graduate.
I'm going to keep on fucking up,
keep on living to feel dead.
Today is the first time I could cry in...
way too long.
But now I can't stop.
Something's wrong with my body.
I've never felt pain like this before.
Fatalities.
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[12 Jun 2006|03:19pm] |
i just had the most amazing series of dreams.
i wish my life was a drug induced dream sometimes.
woah.
p.s. i just woke up. fuckkk.
happy whatever the fuck day today is.
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[09 Jun 2006|10:47am] |
Fuck yeah we had a party at our house and a strange, STRANGE chain of events.
Now I have a recollection of thoughts telling me that dro, no matter how "shitty and ripped off" (hahaha) it is, gives you mad munchies. Gross, but so good.
I also know that my love for whiskey isn't going to dissipate.
Or the fact that intelligence is probably the most attractive attribute to a personality.
Fuck.
It's that akward, get comfortable; shy, start talking; warmth in numbers kind of amazement.
I mean I'm a damn idiot. I'm rotting away the only body I've got, but I know,
being in your presence makes me whole, and start over.
I have only met three of these people in my life that honestly had a mind-blowing effect on me.
Chris Caloia, who always will be my big brother bear, and a near genius at that.
Megan Paige, who had a different kind of intelligence, moreso tuned into her innerself, and the artistic and beautiful side of everything.
And, Brit Pop, who I talked to for an entire NIGHT of my life and won't stop asking my brother about.
Of course my brother thinks I want to date him, but more obviously, I just want to hear him talk...
This has nothing to do with last night. Well, jklaus,minko,katie,anthony,eric,karen,jess, and eventually matt were here. i tried really hard to get chris into the picture, by using the flaming lips. intriguing, no? but i didn't want to call anyone back that i already probably called at a rediculous time.
TODAY! is finally friday,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MUM.
and kati mathis!
i guess my brother's stayin' here and kickin it around the house with people all weekend. and it was nice last night, but i'm going out tonight. i love how cocfest evolved into regular friendships. like everything that was lost in the past few years has been rekindling amazingly...most thanks to cocfest EXTREME!. but sinapse is playing, and who the hell am i to be a friend who hasn't heard my friends band that they've put their souls into. so yummy time with yummy people, and afterwards, back to the apartment for the night. and hopefully i don't go in pass-out cuddle mode.
life is beautiful. and i'm talking about things that aren't even on my mind. i'm happy for reasons no one needs to know. and if you read this shithole, i might as well keep you pissed. nothing worthy to read, no insight. nothing like "i hate myself. i'm so worthless without you. mehmehmeh i cut myself and had to go to the hospital, oh my god then i did acid and thought i could fly and permanently disfigured my skull." i know, it's exciting and fun to think about. sorry to dissappoint. hhahaha. i need a girlfriend. no i don't. rollin' blunts.
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[07 Jun 2006|02:52am] |
hell yeah 666 and 676 are the fucking shit.
dude whiskey jeiger(dude i cant spell) and beerz of all sorts
pot with my brother!
and it's 3 and tomorrow i get up a t10. 8 hours i think
66 IS THE SHIT!
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[06 Jun 2006|02:06pm] |
it's 666.
and.
i'm either going to detroit.
[[[theater bizarre]]]
or chirs caloia's party.
either way i think i'm getting gothed out.
burnin some crosses and drinking some blood.
SACRAFICING SOULS TO SATAN.
hahahah.
i'm probably oo lazy to get gothed out.
wait, i can't.
all my shit's in your trunk.
oh well.
STILL CRAZY TONIGHT MUTHA FUCKAAAAAAAAAS.
EDIT:
i'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl
who's still around the morning after
we broke up a month ago and i grew up i didn't know
i'd be around the morning after
it's always been wait and see
a happy day and then you pay
and feel like shit the morning after
but now i feel changed around and instead of falling down
i'm standing up the morning after
situations get fucked up and turned around sooner or later
i could be another fool or an exception to the rule
you tell me the morning after
crooked spin can't come to rest
i'm damaged bad at best
she'll decide what she wants
i'll probably be the last to know
no one says until it shows see how it is
they want you or they don't
say yes
i'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl
who's still around the morning after
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[06 Jun 2006|01:04am] |
laugh it up, you were right.
but it doesn't matter,
because you're scum.
just the same.
carry on with your day.
and i will with mine.
until i remember.
and puke again.
it's 666.
and i think a bomb is in my house.
i hope it's in my pillowcase.
EDIT:
yeah okay.
it didn't affect me like i hoped.
to be treated like shit and finally wake up.
what the fuck is going to wake me up?
i already know i lost two amazing things
on my own part, and i don't even care?
WHY THE FUCK DON'T I CARE?
i guess there's no room to.
extract.
reinvent.
or just live dead.
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[05 Jun 2006|12:24pm] |
hey maybe i should pay attention while driving illegally.
i almost got in a car accident, that would've FUCKING SUCKED.
other than that i need to shower really bad.
I haven't changed any of my clothes in like five days...
or showered.
renee, get ready to make some headie clothes tomorrow.
SERIOUSLY
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| Finished by Ai |
[05 Jun 2006|10:59am] |
You force me to touch
the black, rubber flaps
of the garbage disposal
that is open like a mouth saying, ah.
You tell me it's the last thing I'll feel
before I go numb.
It is my screaming that finally stops you,
or is it the fear
that even you are too near the edge
of this Niagra to come back from?
You jerk my hand out
and give me just enough room
to stagger around you.
I lean against the refrigerator,
not looking at you, or anything,
just staring at a space which you no longer inhabit,
that you've abandoned completely now
to footsteps receding
to the next feeding station,
where a woman weill be eaten alive
after cocktails at five.
The flowers and chocolates, the kisses,
the swings and the near misses of new love
will confuse her,
until you start to abuse her,
verbally at first.
As if trying to quench a thirst,
you'll drink her
in small outbursts of rage
then you'll whip out your semiautomatic,
make her undress, our listen to hours
of radio static as torture
for being amazed that the man of her dreams
is a nightmare, who only seems happy
when he's making her suffer.
The first time you hit me,
I left you, remember?
It was December. An icy rain was falling
and it froze on the roads,
so that driving was unsafe, but not as unsafe
as staying with you.
I ran outside in my nightgown,
while you yelled at me to come back.
When you came after me,
I was locked in the car.
You smashed the window with a crowbar,
but I drove off anyway.
I was back the next day
and we were on the bare mattress,
because you ripped up the sheets,
saying you'd teach me a lesson.
You wouldn't speak except
to tell me I needed discipline,
needed training in the fine art
of remaining still
when your fist slammed into my jaw.
You taught me how ropes could be tied
so I'd strangle myself,
how pressure could be applied to wounds
wntil I cried for mercy,
until tonight, when those years
of our double exposure end
with shot after shot.
How strange it is to be unafraid.
When the police come,
I'm sitting at the table,
the cup of coffee
that I am unable to drink
as cold as your body.
I shot him, I say, he beat me.
I do not tell them how the emancipation from pain
leaves nothing in its place.
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[04 Jun 2006|03:15pm] |
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this could be the first and last time i'll admit it, but i went too far.
not in the sense that i usually do, not in the sense that's bad.
it's a really good "going too far", but...
i said too much. i moved too much. I SAID TOO MUCH.
i let you know too much.
feel too much.
but for al lthe senses that were filled tonight, i only know the taste of.
too many cigarettes, more than too much alcohol, a kiss that i was too drunk to return, and the music, because i tasted it.
i interacted maybe too much. maybe.
i met a soul and flew to the moon, and being back on earth isn't a good feeling, a headache.
no one has to know what my thoughts are or that i know what your thoughts were.
but you have evidence and so do i.
and you have the softest touch.
_______________________________
i pee outside. 3, 4 times? the cops, OH the cops. the dreams of things that i thought happened. like waking up and you telling me to cuddle with you, the pictures at the steps and carrie dying her hair brown, the TRAIN, the rain....OH GOD. the guitar, piano, drums, and trackling trees. the cuddles and too many words. i don't care how many things went down, you have what i wrote. and i don't even kow what that is. last night i went too far and had too much fun. i'd like to love it, but i said too much. and not literally. it just scares me. i'm having really bad chest pains and i still feel drunk with content. and hungover.
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[03 Jun 2006|08:35pm] |
so, i'm really really REALLY excited.
all my hair is gone.
and i haven't stopped.
i'm going back to royal oak tonight.
and hopefully bringing my sunshine.
and probably spending the night.
and then pridefest tomorrow.
oh man, shit!
everything is SO GOOD.
i feel free again.
haha not tied down by "love"
what a damn joke.
perfect timing for this song:
I should have known with a boy like you
Your middle name is always
I'd always love you
Ahhh, yeah
You let the needle drop
I think that you could do so much better
Those conventions are taking their toll on you
A phantom is disguised
It's horrifying
Right before your eyes
Phantom is inside
I should have known with a boy like you
Your middle name is always
I'd always want you
Ahhh, yeah
A phantom is disguised
It's horrifying
Right before your eyes
The phantom is inside
It's hideous
Right before your eyes
The phantom is watching you
The phantom is watching you, you
And it's all mockery.
Just listen to her voice.
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[03 Jun 2006|02:00am] |
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new people extravagana i love life. i love trvelling to other planets. i love cute girls. i love enon fucking with me. i love knowing too much about eds. i love feeling what you are feeling without you knowing, because i know and you'd never even know about it. i konw what a present brought a past. i know and i feel and i love it and i can inhale every last hahaha. i'm fucked. i hope no one reads this shit anymore because if you knew me before, it's probably depressing. i'd apologize but i'm jsut selfish and selfdestructive, uh huh, that's me. all i am. hahah. fuck. pass me the
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[02 Jun 2006|02:53pm] |
dude seriously!!!
:D :D :D
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[02 Jun 2006|01:54am] |
i can't believe that jsut happened.
my maybe soon-to-be manageer told me to smoek up. ajashj
JK YOU'RE THEE BETSST.
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[01 Jun 2006|03:06pm] |
I am doing senior pictures in 6 days.
And I'm freaking out and doing something WAY too dramatic.
CHOPPING ALL MY HAIR OFF. :[
( pee )</lj-cut
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[30 May 2006|09:18pm] |
ever since this morning there's the worst pain imaginable in my stomach.
and in my brain.
and my throat has a tugging on it, and if you mention anything about what's wrong, it tugs harder, and i swear i'm going to throw up.
avoidavoidavoidance.
hey this song has been on repeat since this morning.
hey how many cigarettes can i smoke before my lungs say "FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUU"
how much can i fuck up?
REALLY, HOW MUCH MORE CAN I FUCK UP?
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[28 May 2006|12:51pm] |
i seriously get naked WAY too much.
but awe man i never drink enough.
smokeyjones.
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dont_____panic's journal